Eating snowflakes with plastic forks

286.

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 02:24:47 GMT

Now that I've got into a school designated to my field of interest, I think I've developed a serious case of cabin fever. I know I won't be moving out of San Jose until the end of summer, but this is the opportunity that I've been waiting for. It's been really important for me to take the next steps toward a viable future. Can't throw shows in the shed in your parents' backyard forever. There may be a long, long list of things that I regret doing or not doing, but once I'm gone, all I can do that is put that behind me. I understand how generic this writing is, but I feel that it's how any human should feel at such a pivotal point in their life. I get to blend in. I get to be anything I want to be. I can be a blues guitarist that came to UNR's journalism school from an area where young men playing blues isn't well received. And what will I have to show for it aside from a piece of paper? Life experience. This is the first year that I've been treated like a real person by my family, just because I'm 21. I sit at the big kids' table. They ask me what I've been up to and I tell them that I got into journalism school and they say "Oh yeah I read that on your facebook! Congratulations!" because it's 2009 and news travels in a matter of seconds. I need to note this, because its impact on the world of mass communication is so drastic that it's completely reinventing the field. I look at my cousins, interacting with their children under 5 and say, holy fuck, you have one of THOSE. It brings my mind back to a girl that went to elementary school with me, who now has children. The plural isn't a typo, she's a single mother of two and twenty one years old. This brings up all sorts of questions about her moral character that I can tie to the ethical consequences of "hot button" topics like abortion, but I'm more in shock and awe of the fact that such an astronomically important BAD decision can be supported by enough people for it to become a reality. Unfortunately, I have developed a strange sense of sympathy for those lacking judgment and the ability to discern right from wrong. This sense will be carried with me to Reno as I watch people lose their vacationing money faster than a right wing radical on the campaign trail, and although it may be painful, it'll make me into a damn good journalist, and maybe, just maybe, something I'll do will be worth a damn to the public. I think it will. I'm optimistic. I'm terrified. I'm everything I struggle not to be on a daily basis. And this inner turmoil will dictate the direction I steer this vessel... Even if it is into a premature grave. It's not love if you won't die for it.

285.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 10:26:55 GMT

I am far too busy to keep this updated.

"He always had a funny way of saying 'i love you'".

284.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:12:20 GMT

This quarter's gone by pretty damn quickly. I think in a strange way, La Voz has saved me from the free time that dominated my life, thus preventing me from making the decisions I would with said free time. The first decade of the 21st century is almost over, and I'm ready to own the next one. I hate the 21st century, but at least with the position I'm working towards, I'll be able to have some sort of control over what it's going to become, and while I'm not exactly sure what lies ahead, I know that at least a future is real. I'm done with people who aren't dying and killing for what they want, and by done with them, I mean I'm keeping them at a healthy distance. In my current relationship, it works quite well because we are both extremely driven individuals, and work well as a team. I always said I wanted to be with a film major, and this is opening all sorts of doors for me, meaning different kinds of outlets. That's exactly what I need. I need to be able to do everything at once, which is why I've taken the title of Managing Multimedia Editor for next quarter, meaning instead of my only purpose being uploading the paper to the web, I actually have a lot of say on the focus of the video portion of La Voz. I took the title of web editor, and invited every element of journalism under my umbrella, and now I'm promoting myself to a title I've been living ever since I picked up speed after hitting the ground running with this world of journalism. I know I'm doing something right. And I think I'm beginning to know who I am. I've come a long way, and I've got even longer to go, lord knows when I'll get a real decent night's sleep.

283.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:50:42 GMT

God only know what I'd be without you...

282.

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:32:36 GMT

This is how nerdy I am...

The producer and the engineer play an extremely essential role collectively, but as individuals, they play two very different roles. In "entry-level" terms, the producer is the boss, and the engineer is a physical extension of the producer's creativity, thus the engineer sits at the recording board, and records the artist while the producer can brainstorm ideas for the producer and the artist, and has a greater vision which surpasses the scope of the sessions or merely the song. A producer's responsibility is to ensure that the song is to its maximum potential, while an engineer is responsible for running the sessions. Both take separate perspectives on music, and require a different set of skills to master their roles, but in a 21st century industry in a collossal deficit, many studio employees find themselves having to develop the ability to "wear all the hats", due to the mass production and distribution of recording software.

One of my favorite recordings is Combination Lock by Fugazi, simply because of the sound of the room. The majority of Fugazi's recordings were self-produced, and this song is a perfect example. I like all of the subtle reflective echoes that the room brings to life in reaction to the sharp transients of the kick drum and snare, while the hi-hat is slightly drier and mixed at a lower level, to give the drum groove during the intro the "I'm broke and hungry but I'd die before I'd get a day job so I'm squatting in an abandoned warehouse" feel. I love it.

... Yes, that was an answer on one of my midterms. You don't have to read it.

281.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:00:53 GMT

It's a sad and beautiful world. Apparently we're releasing an album tomorrow. I'm not as enthusiastic as I should be, due to recent developments in our individual musicianship. I was a features anchor for video La Voz. Apparently I do well on camera. Shot my "does this smell like chloroform?" skit. We'll see how it turns out.

in motion a shark
will not die like a man
and he has no grave

280.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:41:24 GMT

I'd like to see you
in the morning
in the evening
but you need a warning
i'd like to see you
it's a last ditch
c'mon you gotta
ain't sayin' there's not a hitch

come on out now
it's the only way
can't think i know how
is that all you're gonna let me say

i'd like to see you
don't you miss it
lied again today
and now i wish that
you'd believe me
when i need to
you should be weary
i would if i were you

can i come along
i can't take the strain
now what else is wrong
sure, i'll take the blame

i'd like to see you
in the morning
in the evening
but you need a warning
i'd like to see you
don't you miss it
lied again today
now i wish that
you'd believe me
when i need to
you should be weary
i would if i were you

can i come along
i can't take the strain
now what else is wrong
sure, i'll take the blame
come on out now
it's the only way
can't think i know how
is that all you're gonna let me say

you got things to do
so what else is new
won't you give me some
bring it back for me
won't you come and see
you're the only one
you're the only one
you're the only one

(reminds me of a phone call I got last night)

279.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:56:34 GMT

Sometimes the painkillers really do make the pain even worse. I think it's moreso when the painkillers are plentiful, and then the supply is cut short.

I'm much less bitter about everything than I thought I would be. Moments of clarity are nice, even if they require near death experiences. Reality is much easier to deal with when I realize it's real.

Oh yeah, I'm also getting rather tired of the events of my life being treated like a forum, where regulars post updates and comment as they like. Maybe it makes me feel special somewhere, but I don't have the drive to be a celebrity, nor do I really have the personality, although I would be much more Robert Downey Jr than Jared Leto, if you want to compare contemporary celebrities.

I had a dream last night of a place where all the kids in the neighborhood got together, and we rediscovered parts of it when the tides changed. I will discuss this when I don't have a body to pick up.

278.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:37:07 GMT

Thank the lord for La Voz, the consumer of all time spent thinking about situations that went awry with no particular explanation except for an awkward goodbye. Thank you for taking my life and soul, and channeling the trials and frustrations into a drive towards productivity in the name of first amendment student publication.

But when I have a minute to think, I wonder how many things I've truly done wrong, and how I could have acted differently, or made better decisions, in order for the results to be as unfavorable as they had been, and whether or not I'll be able to take the high road, should these situations come my way in the future. And oh yeah. They will.

I want to be more like J Mascis, except for with a personality. As far as musicianship, he's been my current influence. I'm going to go see Dinosaur, alone or not.

My schedule is amazing and devastating. I'm still curious what we're all going to be like in 25 years. Maybe that's when I'll see you again.

276.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:21:10 GMT

Today promises to be far less stressful than my week.

Me being on the Ed Board of La Voz promises to bring up all sorts of interesting subject matter. Once again, I become Coree S. Thompson.

Maybe from now on, I'll promise to go by Coree J. Hogan. Why is everything that Tom Waits does amazing?

I'm tired of my (lack of) diet. I'm tired of my (lack of) sleep. But I'm not tired of my productivity. My parents are actually giving me money for clothes. I'm going to go to the dishes to make them happy.

This time next year, I will not be in my comfortable environment.

275.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 08:24:34 GMT

Slipping and sliding and riding the curve
we'll eventually return to who we once were
and if anyone ever doubts that this will occur
the promise of hell will keep them assured
cause the ones we love are mortal
walking side by side
and if we manage to survive
we'll see every loyal brother die
so while we're living faster
disregarding who we loved
we're creating our own cancer
from our own flesh and blood

Maybe now we'll realize
that every lover lies
cause the secrets we don't tell
ensure we'll burn in hell

274.

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:42:08 GMT

Jawbreaker-Do You Still Hate Me?

Been hearing about you. All about your disapproval. Still I remember the way
I used to move you. I wrote you a letter. I heard it just upset you. Why don't
you tell me? How can I do this better? Are you out there? Do you hear me? Can
I call you? Do you still hate me? Are we talking? Are we fighting? Is it over?
Are we writing? We're getting older. But we're acting younger. We should be
smarter. It seems we're getting dumber. I have a picture of you and me in
Brooklyn. On a porch, it was raining. Hey, I remember that day. And I miss you.

(Just cause I've found this song so appropriate more than twice)

273.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 09:17:16 GMT

Did I really just go on a date to a party with my German-born, oldest out of 7 children, J rock loving, film majoring, 24 year old, college graduated, drug free, A/V Editor?

And if I'm not mistaken, things really really clicked. Never a dull moment in this book that keeps writing itself. It's really strange to find extremely specific qualities of close friends in people you've just met.

I'm too tired to elaborate. Running on 1.5 hours of sleep for the past couple days. I'll see this new one in about 12 hours.

I'm about to do what those 747s did to the twin towers to my bed. Good night. It's been a long an strange couple days. Sorry for not being there, you know who you are.

272.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:26:54 GMT

Things I once liked, but no longer do:

Hip hop, raving/ravers, hooking up with strangers, falling for someone, gimmicks, television, marijuana/ecstasy/cocaine, red meat, big concerts, drinking frequently, anything that sounds remotely like Jack Johnson, dance music (ties in with gimmicks and raving, but excluding DnB), making beats (or at least taking it seriously), being an "adequate" guitarist, going to the movies, reading books about drugs, San Francisco, Santa Cruz, girls that won't leave you the fuck alone because they nurse the hope that the ashes of your former love will eventually rekindle, hopeless romanticism, Taking Back Sunday, dating someone solely based on intrigue, girls between the age of 17 and 19, people with interesting aspects but no greater goals or desire to apply themselves, people that have lived "crazier" lives than me...

oh the list goes on
oh the things we learn
and never
ever forget
and the people
that we once loved
but no longer do
because we know better
oh the thoughts our innocent hearts
once had, have hardened
some into diamonds
some into charcoal
over which we roast
the bodies we once were
and feast on the strength

and sometimes our diamonds become dust
yeah
sometimes our diamonds are dust
and our hard and heavy hearts
ring like bells
with such a beautiful and unique tone
that even our closest friends
desensitized to our eccentricities
say damn
you must be glowing

271.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 19:46:46 GMT

I love my new makeshift recording studio. It makes me so happy. The sound I get is exactly what I was looking for. Beryl, you should hook me up with a bunch of cables and converters. My first project was to take a voicemail I got from my ex, where she drunkenly called me crazy and that I was a "stupid heroin addict junkie piece of shit", which I got a kick out of. I got to see my friend John who is currently visiting his family. That was fun, getting to hear all sorts of things that go on with the men who work for the government. I have a bit more to say, but I'm just really sleepy and need to nap before I go hear the WHOLE pre mix to So... Sew Me Up.

270.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 05:18:46 GMT

This is something I wrote, circa early 2006. I probably have a journal entry on it from back then. I don't hate it.

Life is really weird. Dance with your date. Never show up on time, late or early is satisfactory. Stay grounded. Don't go to school on days that you have better things to do. Use judgement. Smoke purple weed. Stay in contact with teachers that were important to you. Realize that adults are grown up teenagers and they still have insecurities and don't always have the answers. Never hang out with people that smoke crystal meth or snort coke habitually. We're all human. Don't try to be something that you aren't. Make mistakes when you're young, no one likes an old fuckup. Question reality. Laugh at the meaning of life.

And last off....
Don't forget to tie your shoes.

Because I miss 2006.

269.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 03:22:57 GMT

I'm sick for the same reason that I was at the end of May.

Good thing that school starts in a week, otherwise it'd be me vs my head.

268.

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 02:03:11 GMT

See if you can keep me out of your medicine cabinet. Just you try.

The next two songs I'm going to write are going to be called:

"The Messes We Make but Never Clean Up"

&

"Thanks for the Summer"

Just try to keep me from writing music. Ego Trippers or not, I've got a spirit you can't kill. And I know a thing or two about mortality. Just watch me now.

I love the Murder City Devils. And Converge. And Planes Mistaken for Stars. And Dire Straits. I've got a show in a few hours at some dive bar that no one's coming to. But we'll see.

You've gotta dream big to live large. Someone wrote that on my wall. It may be unrealistic and idealistic, but I'm gonna take it with a grain of salt and run with it.

No one's gonna stop me now.

No one.

267.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 08:56:42 GMT

Alcohol is by far the least creative, least interesting, and least fulfilling drug, while being the most destructive, obnoxious, and pathetic at the very same time. Now I enjoy a good gin and tonic, or a wild turkey on the rocks, but it's pretty sad to know how much time and money is spent on this drug, while there are so many that are far better than alcohol for so many reasons.

Think about it.

Thanks government, for giving us the drugs that are the most likely to kill ourselves and others. I strongly believe that if heroin were available at every drugstore, the streets would be much safer.

I have a solid set of reasons for this train of thought, but I left them at the station and I'm making a stop at my bed, and won't get back on this train to finish the journey for a little bit. Oh well

266.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:22:02 GMT

Every one is beautiful and I love them despite their flaws.

I wish everyone thought this way.

265.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:25:23 GMT

I will always have a moderate amount of spite for the construction that my neighbors have had going on for the past two months. I hate waking up to the sounds of saws and hammers. Maybe I should re-think that whole sound design thing.

264.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:35:09 GMT

girl im sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love, it's just the remorse of a loss, of a feeling.
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

double this drink up into the, tallest glass you got.
you know i aint used to sleeping all, alone.
gonna make it to the moon tonight on a 1 way kamikaze flight.
if i could get so high i'll leave behind my problems,
take em out with the empty bottles.

oh girl sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

me & this guitar are going swinging blind into the unknown.
you know a song & a stage is all i ever needed of a home.
someday i, will call from a payphone in a truckstop on the road
& you'll tell me how much better off you've been on your own.

oh girl sorry but i'm leaving.
we're both at fault, we're both to blame.
and it wasn't the other men cause there were other women.
this just isn't love it's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling
even if i stayed it just wouldn't be the same.

263.

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:37:26 GMT

Last night I had a dream that I was a child, and was in a class where we all stood around a gigantic swimming pool. As instructed, we took the fish that we had all been raising, that had grown quite large, and released them into the water, except instead of setting them free like expected, the teacher told us to crack the fish open, like eggs, and let the yolk drain into the pool. Some of the fish had been so large that they contained up to five yolks inside, and the teacher designated me to crack the fish open. This was a heartbreaking experience for me, because I had grown attached to my fish, and I had known that everyone else felt similarly. Finally, all the fish had been cracked, the exterior discarded, and we watched the yolks sink to the bottom of the pool. The teacher then asked us questions about jumping in the pool, and why divers had higher platforms than regular swimmers.

Later in that dream, I remember being in heaven, except it looked like a graveyard. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, but strange. I felt the sense of eternal wellness and perfection, and I could do anything I wanted, which at that point, was to simply float freely above the ground. Of all the laws I've broken, the only one that I've never been able to was gravity. I met my sister in heaven, who isn't dead, but half an ocean away, and we explored all the intriguing areas that this new strange but beautiful place had to offer. I have no recollection of how I got tho heaven, but I do recall feeling that it was no error that I was placed far north from hell.

I also remember something about being on a clay tennis court and a grocery store. I've never been on a clay tennis court, nor ever really played tennis seriously. Now I guess I can say I've been on a tennis court. I also remember going to Mr Bill's house and smoking crank in his laundry room. I traveled quite a bit in the comfort of my own bed. I'm going to sleep next to my guitar every night. It may enhance my life in ways I could never consciously imagine.

262.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 10:23:30 GMT

So after a month of devoting my life to a project I've been working on for three years, The Ego Trippers have finally finished tracking So... Sew Me Up. I know that the real process will be mixing and the ultimate results of what we're about to bring to the table, but this milestone is a serious accomplishment. It has taken every aspect of my soul and body, and put it through a psychological, emotional, physical, and spiritual boot camp to get these tracks completed. I've learned so much about what it really takes to realize a dream and see it as a serious accomplishment. We don't have any gimmicks. We don't try too hard to sound unique. I really, truly feel that this album will be well received, given the right promotion. I like my life right now. There's such a bright future, that I can't even comprehend what cards life will deal me.

More gin and tonic. I don't necessarily think that I have a drinking problem, but it's a damn good solution.

261.

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 05:22:43 GMT

Today, while riding bikes with some friends, I got the song "Fat Lip" by Sum 41 stuck in my head. And in that moment, riding bikes, high on hallucinogens, I remembered the feeling of having infinite moments. Not because of the song, just the feeling that this summer was one I will have great respect for in the future. Knowing that everything, the people I've been with, the situations that have appeared, and the things we've done, will go down as a bookmarked page in my personal autobiography. Everything has fallen into place. This summer is special. Untouchable. And will never be revisited or relived, but only revered with respect. At times I will miss these moments, but know that I can never re-live them. Everyone's got a summer like this. Their constructive summer. Well, with all the destruction I've brought about in my life, it's finally time I've got something right. Not everything, though, and I have no issue with that, although others do, and there's nothing I can do about that. I haven't been writing much lately, because of being so consumed by our album, but I feel like this trip has been very productive for me. It has put into perspective the context of my current state. That last statement is the essence of ego tripping, which I didn't do much of this time, since it's become so engraved into my thought process that its contemplation seems irrelevant.

I'm always debating whether it's more fulfilling to have infinite moments and constructive summers, or bury myself in my room, locking my thoughts to my head and a pad of paper. I'm leaning toward the former, because there's always time to reflect, unless these thoughts have truly left my head, in which case, they never meant much to begin with. All that is forgotten is not lost, but misplaced, and will reappear, someday.

Here comes the bourbon to kiss me good night. Stay classy, cyberspace.